Doctor Grumpy in the House

Dr. Grumpy: "How you doing? It's been the usual year since your last visit."

Ms. Zapper: "I'm fine, no problems. I've had a good year, health-wise."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good. By the way, do you have an internist you'd like me to send your visit notes to?"

Ms. Zapper: "No. Only other doc I see is my GYN. Hell, if you'd be willing to look in my pussy once a year I could ditch her, too."

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: Windsor, England.

Legoland was discovered to have a surprisingly large and sophisticated marijuana operation on the amusement park's premises. The plants, some 3 feet high and surrounded by grow-lights and a watering system, were found in an unused storage shed.

The suspects are believed to have entered the park by crossing through land owned by the Queen. To date Her Majesty has had no comment.

It's unknown if the area will be worked into an attraction for the new Lego Batman movie, or perhaps an attraction called Lego Robin's Magic Garden.



DATELINE: Pittsburgh

Daniel Marchese was found in a stopped, but running, car in the middle of an intersection, going in & out of consciousness. When awake he would expose himself to passersby. He was dressed in pink lingerie. Officers who investigated also found he had an open bottle of whiskey and 2 handguns with him.

I swear to God I am not making any of that up.

Mr. Marchese threatened officers and was taken into custody. He's been charged with a remarkable assortment of things, including drunken driving, indecent exposure, fighting with officers, aggravated assault, and weapons offenses.

I can only assume he was going to a rally for cross-dressing supporters of both the 2nd & 21st amendments.



DATELINE: Florida

John Haskew attempted to conduct a fraudulent wire transfer, hoping no one would notice. The amount, however, was $7 billion (you read that correctly) which tends to get attention.

His excuse, upon being arrested, was that Jesus had told him to do it because he created wealth for everyone, and this was Mr. Haskew's share.

The accused told police that he was "self-taught on the banking industry."




DATELINE: France

A man who - I swear - used his wife's phone to set up Uber transportation so that he could have an affair - is suing the ride service for $45 million for causing him to get divorced.

A glitch in the app kept sending notifications to his wife about where he was going, even though he'd logged out of it. She got kind of suspicious.

Apparently his lady dumping him is now Uber's fault, and has nothing to do with him, say, cheating on her.

The moral here is this: if you're cheating on your spouse, don't use their phone to arrange it. Use something secure, like Ashley Madison.

This is my daughter's birthday gift wish list:

Dr. Grumpy: "You been doing okay since I last saw you?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "Um, I had a really bad yeast infection, you know, in my girl parts."

Dr. Grumpy: "How have your migraines been?"

Ms. Cerevisiae: "It was REALLY bad. I mean, it climbed from down there all the way up though the connection into my stomach, then to my ears, too."

Long pause.

Dr. Grumpy: "I've, uh, never heard of that."

Ms. Cerevisiae: "That's what all the other doctors tell me, too. Anyway, my migraines are better."

Seen at the Asian grocery:

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Foote: "Hi, I was there about an hour ago, and I think the heel of my shoe fell off."

Mary: "I..."

Mrs. Foote: "Can you please look for it? I want it back."

Mary: "I don't see it in the lobby... Hang on..."


Mary knocks on my door


Mary: "Hey, sorry to interrupt you and Mr. Lumbar, but Mrs. Foote thinks she lost part of her shoe back here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh..."

Mr. Lumbar: (looks under his chair) "I think she did. Here."


(hands Mary a rubber shoe heel, Mary leaves)


Mary: "Hello, Mrs. Foote? I found your heel. Are you really coming back for this?"

Mrs. Foote: "Of course. How else am I supposed to walk home? Hey, do you have any super glue?"


I may have to start carrying super glue at the office. This was the second time a patient requested it.

Recently I had to go to a research meeting.

While setting it up, they emailed me the following list of diets to choose from:




I wanted to do a mix & match, just to see what they brought me.

I faxed in a script for Depakote 500mg yesterday, and a few minutes later received this back:





The strength seems to be stated pretty clearly. Can anyone in pharmacy explain this to me?

What was your worst date?

I'm sure you remember it. If you don't, you haven't had it... yet.

We all have one. Where the person who seemed promising turned out to be a nightmare. Or a series of bizarrely improbable circumstances arose to make it a miserable time. Or some other chain of unpleasant events.

Somewhere out there is a woman for whom I was her worst date ever. I'm sure that even today, 25+ years later, she remembers it and tells others about the horrible time she had with me.

During my first year of residency I asked a nurse out, and we decided to go hiking. I chose a scenic trail outside town that went in and out of a forested area.

I picked her up in the early afternoon of a clear day, and off we went. It was nice drive to the trail head.

We'd hiked about 30-45 minutes when we came to a fork, and took the one to head back to the parking lot. Which led to another fork, and we again picked the one that should have taken us back to the car.

After another 30 minutes we realized we'd gotten completely lost, and had NFC where to go (back then, kids, people didn't have GPS phones).

Then it began raining. Heavily. Of course, the umbrella was back in the car.

We turned back, hoping to reach the parking lot at some point. Noticing the forest road about a 1/4 mile away, we walked through mud to get to it, figuring it was more likely to lead us in the right direction.

It wasn't. And it was still raining.

After a while we hitched a ride with the first passing car, which fortunately turned out to be a state parks ranger. He was on his way to close the parking lot we were in, since the rain was flooding the trails.

It was a long, quiet, dripping-wet ride back to her place. I tried to make conversation, but she just stared out the window. She didn't return my calls, either, when I tried to apologize.

And, realistically, I don't blame her.

But whenever someone tells me a story of their worst date ever, I remember that for a lady out there... I am that story.

Seen in charts:


- Thank you, T!

Okay, time to put up some pics you guys have sent in.



Here's a food stand in Israel, whose owner is trying to figure out why English speakers aren't lining up for his product:







Here we have a school district that's apparently given up on being excellent, or even pretty good:








Then there's this store. I'm not sure what an "aromas artisan" is, but after lunch at Taco Bell, Craig probably qualifies... and not in a good way.







This is about as use-specific as a soap can get:









This is an armored military vehicle developed by Venezuela in the 1930's, during border tensions with Columbia. Regrettably, Star Wars was still 40 years in the future, so no one recognized the Darth Vader chic.

Clerk: "Emergency room, this is Kim."

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Clerk: "Please hold for Dr. Stat."

(15 seconds of ONJ's 1980 hit "Let's Get Physical")

Dr. Stat: "Dr. Grumpy? Hi, this is Suzy Stat over at Local ER. I'm a new doc here. Anyway, I have a guy who needs to establish with a neurologist, and I have you down as on call."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am, what's up?"

Dr. Stat: "Nothing big, he moved here and has a history of seizures. He hasn't had a chance to find a doc yet, and so came in here looking for a refill and referral name before he ran out."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's fine. Give him my info and a few days of meds and I'll get him in this week."

Dr. Stat: "Great. Where's your office? Isn't it south of here?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm in downtown Grumpyville."

Dr. Stat: "Oh... He lives on the south side and doesn't have a car. He needs a doc he can walk to."

Dr. Grumpy: "I..."

Dr. Stat: "Could you, like, rent an office on the south side to see him? He likely only needs to come in once a year or so."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, no. He can take a bus, or Lyft, or Uber, or whatever."

Dr. Stat: "But as the ER on-call doc you're obligated to see him."

Dr. Grumpy: "Correct, and I'm happy to do so this week. But I only have one office, and that's where he'll find me."

Dr. Stat: "Is that allowed?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Dr. Stat: "They never teach you these things in training."

Cleaning out a drawer, I found a late 80's list of songs my medical school roommate (Enzyme) and I wrote down for a year-end party. They summarized our thoughts at the time on med school.

So today I'm sharing them with you:


"Up All Night" - The Boomtown Rats

"Land of Confusion" - Genesis

"Come Monday" (There's a pathology test) - Jimmy Buffet

"Pressure" - Billy Joel

"Life is Shit" - The Dead Milkmen

"Why We Pray" - M.C. Hammer 

"Hell Hole" - Spinal Tap

"I Wanna be Sedated" - The Ramones

"Wipeout" - The Surfaris

"19th Nervous Breakdown" - The Rolling Stones

"One of These Days" (dedicated to a specific pathology professor) - Pink Floyd

"Help!" - The Beatles

Last night I took the kids to a Grumpyville Puck-Offs hockey game. At some point Craig declared he was hungry, so we went to the snack bar.

We were almost up to the counter, and the guy in front of us ordered a chili-dog. He paid the counter lady, and a minute later she set it in front of him.

The guy didn't leave the counter. He picked up the entire chili-dog with both hands, and in one continuous movement shoved the entire thing into his mouth.

Then he pushed the empty paper plate back across the counter, mumbled "thank you," and left.

Craig suddenly wasn't that hungry.